philippians 4.7

My wife is asleep in bed right now and I am up, awake, later than I should be because I can't shake a feeling.

I sense that some people in my life think I have given up on God and that I have devoted my thoughts and efforts to things less than worthy of a life's devotion. And that sense troubles me, it has be scrambling for an explanation -- an explanation of my own or one from one of them, except that none of them have accused me of any such thing, it's just a sense, a feeling I can't shake.
So I'm left to explain on my own.

I know there are a couple things I believe in, a couple things that make me a believer and they aren't exclusively Christian or religious.

I believe, somewhat naively, in the potential for redemption, that redemption is possible for any individual and that it's possible in any social situation. Love is more powerful than anything else, and it's confusing and complex and sometimes contradictory. Forgiveness goes out of its way to break ground for redemption -- I've witnessed all of that from beginning to end, for example, in my parents' story. And I continue to keep my eyes peeled for it elsewhere in life.

I believe in the natural rhythm of things, sometimes even mystically. The slow steady fidelity of tides and seasons and growth and reproduction, for instance. To call anything supernatural is redundant. The natural is extraordinary, and confusing and complex and sometimes contradictory -- containing struggle and regeneration, heartache and elation, death and life.

In regards to those two things, call the first "Love" and the second "Life" both with capital "L's", I am a believer. And when I write this, when I claim it, it makes me feel like I have a bold and strong faith in God. Even though I don't use the word "God" as much as I once did, or credit things to "God" as readily, I haven't turned my back on God. Consider it all an attempt to not take the Lord's name in vain, to not take "God" for granted.

By not identifying as a Christian I am not trying to distance myself from anyone. With these attempts at explanation that I continually make -- in my head, on paper, out loud, here on my blog -- I am trying to benefit (not condemn) anyone who might be interested in knowing me, it's in order to enhance (not dishevel) the potential for our relationship.

By not saying, "I am a Christian" or "I believe 'such and such' about God" I am not trying to judge those who do. The thing is I'm proud of me, and chances are I'm proud of you too. Give me the benefit of the doubt and you'll see that what you believe about God and the good life is alive and well in me. Just as I see it in you.

Nor do I desire to distance myself from my heritage. Everyone of my days as a child was tempered in the furnace of Christianity and strong family ties. Any time I bask in the memory pools of my upbringing it's a balm to my soul's skin and I get to feeling smooth, fragrant, and fresh. I like most of the influences and experiences that have helped shape who I am and am becoming. The handful that I don't like I at least appreciate and don't resent. I consider myself well crafted, and the smiths' hands are many.

Suffice it to say? I am not an atheist, not even an agnostic, though I know, love, and appreciate several of each sort. I am a believer through and through. And even if I'm not that kind of a believer, I am one nonetheless.

I'm conservative too. It just has more to do with the way I refrain from kicking around the word "God" and other religious lingo. A rose by any other name...
Which is to say that God has a distinct scent and I'm trying more and more to trust my sense of smell, even at the expense of some of my past convictions and especially at the expense of my prejudices.

Does this make sense? I feel like it should but fear it doesn't but it's important to me that it does. What I want more than anything in life is peace that involves everything, including everyone, including you and me. That doesn't imply a need for sameness between us, but does depend, to some extent I think, on understanding. So let's not hide our questions from one another, nor be eager to change each other.
I want you to be honestly you. And me to be honestly me. And trust "God" to take care of the rest.

feel the rhythm, join the dance

I had a chance to talk with a couple different groups of people this week about the situation of the environment, as in the state of the natural world and the impact of humankind on it. We perused the issue as thoroughly as possible in the time we were allotted. One thing we did not do was argue whether or not there is an environmental situation at hand, a situation where the human impact on the environment has reached uncontainable levels; or for a more neutral assessment, has become more noticeable than not. I consider that to be self-evident, even for those who aren't aware of the statistics -- the rate of deforestation, the impossibility for many in developing countries to find clean water, the number of species on the planet that are ceasing to exist, the tragic amounts of plastic and garbage gathering in a large section of the North Pacific Gyre, the acidity of rain, the loss of fertile topsoil due to poor agricultural habits, the excessive amount of red meat consumed by the affluent minority of the world and the excessive amount of grain grown to feed the cattle heading in that direction -- a simple look around lends quick exposure to human impact on an otherwise sustainable planet.

I believe all of this is wrong, not the way it should be, irresponsible, sinful, disruptive, distorted, distasteful, unfortunate... and overwhelming. I don't think it's possible for this massive ship (thanks Maxwell, for this metaphor) of over-consumption, over-disposal, and maleficent eco-habits to turn around in just one generation. But I sense the ship aching to turn nonetheless. So I propose two approaches:


Approach #1

Each of us can completely minimalize the residue of our presence; by eliminating every fouling act, numbing every appetite, going strictly vegan, making our own clothes, renouncing our material possessions, decreasing our footprint to zero.

I believe this would work. In time, if every human were to take this approach, I believe that the planet would recover from the devastation it has faced as a result of our over-consumption. In time the soil would rejuvenate, forests would replant, water would reclaim it's geological path and life giving purity, animals would reproduce, the atmosphere would overwhelm the poisons it contains. Unhindered by our abusive interaction with it, the natural world would take care of itself, and regain its all-blanketing beauty.

It would work.


But we, humans, are up to our necks in us. Our livelihood is so integrated with the economic machine of consumption and mass production, in servicing one anothers' massive appetites, that with out the consumer (all of us) then the provider (all of us as well) would be out of a job, devoid of their source of livelihood. In this case, environmental rejuvenation would result in economic destruction. (Which I suspect is the fear that is behind the sad and narrow assessment of environmentalism on http://environmentalism.com/.)

The natural world is resistent -- "inventive, persistent, and sly" (please read A Conservationist Manifesto by Scott Russel Sanders http://www.scottrussellsanders.com/) -- it will take care of itself if we afford it the space to. But we would find ourselves so estranged from the natural world that we would not know how to join the rhythm of rejuvenation.

The environment cannot sustain our overindulgence. The human story could not endure complete withdrawl.


Approach #2

We continue to pursue the good life. We pool our creative energies together to reimagine a sustainable and wholistically healthy version of the abundant life. We vigorously reestablish the connection we have lost with the rhythms of the natural world that we are so a part of. We devote ourselves to the act of sharing, allowing the earth's resources to be redistributed to all who need nourishment (rich and poor, human and non-human alike). We do not merely set about switching from destructive to constructive actions, rather we embrace a posture of acceptance and trust in the earth's rejuvenative potential. (For a far more articulate and exceedingly powerful treatment of these very issues please read Environmental Linguistics on http://laurenzmitchell.wordpress.com/.)

The creative force that set the earth spinning and jostled life into being on its surface is still present and active. And fortunately for us it is forgiving and patient, it still has room for the human story.

you and god and this book i read

I recently finished reading The Amber Spyglass and so finished the story of Lyra and Will's adventures in many worlds as recorded in the series: His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman.
There is some controversy over these books because the author might be an atheist and the story might have an anti-christian agenda.
I've heard that the author is a kind and open conversationalist (and worthy debate partner), and I've concluded that the story is about Lyra and Will, their friends and their journeys, their struggles, their triumphs, and their coming of age. So if you've got the stomach for a thing or two that might not exactly line up with your personal worldview, or that might, then read and enjoy them.

To readers who identify with the facets of theism, conservative and moderate alike, but who still possess the courage of an open mind, the token of suggestion that I gleaned from His Dark Materials is not so much to abandon belief in God or even commitment to your religious expression, but to reconsider the articulation and possibly foundation of your belief and expression. And in reconsidering be open to revision where necessary.
If your belief in God is articulated in such a way that poses God as a figure of authority who provides limitations and regulations whereby life must be lived, then perhaps it isn't God you are speaking about after all, but a caricature of God created by an institution of religion as dictated by men who are/were un/consciously invested more in the pursuit of power and control than in the pursuit of the divine.
How might your belief in God be better, more accurately articulated?
Is God a monarch and a tyrant? Interested in our human concepts and experience of authority and power? Interested in motivating by the means of fear and force? (Is that the foundation of your religious expression? fear? shame? guilt?)
Or is God something else entirely? Not a being who uses force, but a force in and of itself. Not a motivating entity, but an actual sensation of compulsion.
Which sounds more like that which was present at the incipience of the world? Which sounds more like that which is present in the world's sustenance?

To readers who identify as atheists (or simply do not identify as theists), those who avoid religion and its facets, but who still possess the courage of an open mind, I think you would be encouraged by His Dark Materials, finding your stance on God and religion condoned in the pages of this story. Yet a suggestion all the same, and that is to rebel against the indifference toward life that drives so much and so many in our world (and other worlds too no doubt); and to pull at life instead, finding it active and ready for exposrure: in the corners of our relationships, in the songs and sounds of birds and animals, in the stretch of the horizon, in the very air, and in the breath that we breathe it with.

To readers one and all note that regardless of your articulation -- whether it be in favor of this God or that, whether in denial of either or all, whether in a careful disregard -- our stances can quickly become us; our articulations, if unchecked, become our idols, become the manifestation and limitation of who we are.
How tragic to be defined simply (or to define someonelse) by how one uses the word "God". What a waste to categorize and so dismiss someone because they believe in God or because they do not or because they're not quite sure. When the reality of divinity, energy, life is so readily apparent, as it is through the many struggles and triumphs of the two protaganists, in the curiosty and courage, the kindness and inventiveness, the hope with which we approach our world. To be known, and even defined, utlimately as one who loves and is loved.

dropping the "G" word

Imagine you (or I, or anyone for that matter) were bred from the earliest of your recollectable days to long to fall in love with a woman named Cindy.
You dreamt of a Cindy in your adolescence and chased after Cindy's on the play ground in your youth. You could imagine calling your lover by no other name. A woman's quality, apparent upon your initial interactions with her, all but vanished when she stated her name to be something other than Cindy. You were taught and tied into the endeavor of loving a woman with this name.

Imagine a string of romantic experiences that you have as you wander the earth, each very genuine, each passionate and hopeful. You encounter a woman (avoid the preliminary introductions) share experiences with her, fall authentically in love with her. Then you ask her name and it is not Cindy. So you leave her -- you leave the romance, the authenticity, the passion, the hope, the experience, the love all behind. And you do it again. And again. None of them turn out to be Cindy.

So you take a different approach. You seek out women named Cindy. You find a Cindy and you pursue her, date her, kiss her, introduce her to your family -- "This is Cindy" -- move in with her, share life with her. But it is all contrived, so you leave her for another woman named Cindy and do it again. And again. None of them coax love from you (and incidentally neither do you do much for them, so don't feel too cocky).

Imagine your broken and lonely state of being. Imagine having given up true love several times over. Imagine having placed your hope in an idea so resolutely time and again, and time and again it being returned to you void. And imagine in this grim state as you travel the globe with your seemingly hopeless cause set before you that you wander into a library in Frankfurt and select a volume of fairy tales; hoping to find something to quell the sting, to find inspiration from these stories of eerily unlikely events.

Flipping through the book you find her. Cindy, or in her fullness Cinderella, cinder-ella, the girl of the cinders, girl of the ashes. And -- ashes to ashes, dust to dust -- you realize that every woman you sought, those you loved and those you didn't (those who loved you and those who didn't) was Cindy, each a daughter of the earth, each human.
So you siphon your focus on the name into a more expansive focus on the experience of love. And you fulfill your destiny.

ufc with yhwh

i had a sweet wreck the other day. i was biking from work to meet lauren at a coffee shop, hauling downhill on 10th street. i decided to take a short cut along the pedestrian route so i glanced back to check traffic, crossed over and hopped up onto the sidewalk. it was raining and i took a sharp turn left a little too fast, my back tire slid out and my front tire buckled and i went down and skidded like 15 feet. i hopped up and had one of the moments of "am i ok? i'm ok. really? am i? i am." and then the obligatory bashful look around to see if anyone saw (no one did), unjammed my chain, hopped back on, thanked God i was wearing denim and a tough jacket, said, "that was awesome", and continued (with a touch more care) on my merry way.
it felt really good. i haven't wiped out for a while. i had a couple wrecks in college that were really sweet (one forward somersault with feet still in toe clips, took a big divot out of the woman's field hockey field at the bottom of our ski slope at houghton, i saved the divot because we had found a lizard and seth fancy and i set up a little island in a bowl of water for him, but he escaped and lived a better life than either of us ever could have given him), but it's been a good long while since i really skinned my knees. what's the appeal i wonder? it's not a desire for pain. just for contact, friction, resistance.
like the part in philip pullman's "the subtle knife" when william struggles, unbeknownst to him, with his father. like the story in the bible where jacob wrestles God. clings to God, makes demands of God, gets his hip broken by God. i don't talk about God on a daily basis anymore, not like i did when it was my homework to do so, when the community i belonged to made a practice of it. but i still like meeting for wrestling matches, smiles and dirt smeared across our faces, the two of us rolling around without much to talk about but with plenty in common. God letting me win sometimes, i letting God win sometimes.
i don't distinguish much between God and Life. like i don't hold to God as a human-like being with arms and legs that wrap around me in the fight. the events and experiences of God wrap around me, they are what i pull against or give in to. and i think that's how God likes it.. as in, i think that's how Life is done best.
i got an opportunity to sit with Life for a while a couple weekends ago, i had our little cottage to myself and i rested. sat across from Life for an evening and a morning and lingered in Its presence, feeling the surge of my own muscles for a change, rather than the push of Life's muscle on me.
i'm back in it again, wrestling again.. smiling, grimacing, struggling, collapsing. but really glad that we took some respite.

ben and bob

I guess this delighted me a little bit too much to keep to myself.
Simply this:

I had a dream last night that Veggie Tales came out with a full length, live action Christmas movie. Ben Stiller played Bob the Tomato.

That's all.

samurai, yogi, pacifist, and husband

a buddy and i are tossing around some ideas about being good guys in this world we live in. asking each other some questions and offering each other the conversation that results.
this week's question was simple and cliche (and gender exclusive so, to my female audience, please make adjustments where necessary -- my thoughts aren't exclusive, just my language in this entry):

what does a man of strong character look like?

my response:

the samurai's code of honor (bushido) contains a commitment to yu, or courage. this was a style of heroics that is more than fearlessness. it is courage that is tempered with wisdom. not a brash rushing into danger, but a wise willingness to face danger when necessary; not as a means of demonstrating his quality but as a natural extension of the good that has been cultivated in his heart. he does not desire death but neither is he deterred by anything from performing an act that he knows to be right.

"namaste" is a salutation given and received in india and nepal and elsewhere. it is a sanskrit word that, taken literally, means "i bow to you". but as a gesture it's meaning has grown and when a person greets another saying "namaste" they are in effect saying with humility and gratitude, "that which is divine in me reaches out to that which is divine in you". think: jesus when he told the story about the sheep and goats and "whatever you did for the least of these you did for me". namaste -- i see you, hear you, feel you as someone to be cherished, and i offer you my attention, my presence, my love.

in order to be wise in courage and to be attentive to others a man has to have a supply of patience. and that patience must come from a calm place in his heart, a place that is at peace. in the midst of tumultuous surroundings he must have the resolve to believe in the possibility of peace.

the band on my finger symbolizes a promise of loyalty. keeping that promise does not mean perfection, does not mean the absence of conflict, does not mean the absence of questions such as, "am i really the man i claim to be?" or "do i have what it takes?" being loyal means that when you look at the golden/silver/platinum band hugging your finger you remember and believe the answer to those questions, that yes you are and yes you do.

ideally a man of strong character is brave, compassionate, patient, and faithful.
that's why a man with strong character is also relational. because ideals aren't sufficient; and when ideals fail a man needs support or forgiveness or encouragement to be and believe in who he is. those things can be offered only from without, though they can come from the most unlikely places (so he is wise to keep his heart open and his wits about him).

a strong man is steady and available and vulnerable and honest and befriended.

by the way...

http://www.dannyiskandarphotography.com/slide/laurenaramwed/index.html

enough said.

Going to the desert next week..

There are some who seem to me to be content with very little; content to have jobs that require their days and then content to pass their evenings and nights in whims of entertainment, modest friendships, mediocre romance or religion. They don't hope for much, content to walk. I like to walk. But I want wings to turn my stride into flight from time to time. I want passionate oblivion to come crashing into what's happening right now; for it to get all tangled up, perpetually. I want storms to always ruffle my feathers while the wind unfurls my wings.
My restlessness is not discontent. I do not feel condemned by restlessness but compelled by it. I am not thirsty in order that I may writhe in my thirst but so that I will seek out a drink. My soul goes to the desert because there are elements of nourishment there, not because it is barren.
Yet in the very barrenness lies that nourishment. And the nourishment is space. The space to stretch out all my limbs, to open my lungs, and to spread my questions freely and expansively -- nakedly even -- until they dry out and crack like the lips that uttered them, leaving me sore and finally silent enough to escape myself, unhurried and unharassed enough to collapse into something that is something like peace.

a rant

The menus have a sufficient, even significant, amount of selection to them at the restaurants I'm working for. The finer dining of the two ranges from a glorified tofu dish, to a goat cheese and portobello mushroom ravioli, right on through to the market priced fillet mignon, with several nods to the sea (scallops, salmon, a nightly seafood special) in between.

About a month ago the chef derived a burger that could hold its own with the other dishes, presumably in taste, and absolutely in presentation. The burger is speared with a stack of olives and grape tomatoes, grilled according to the customer's order, adorned with the perfect proportions of complimentary ingredients, and befriended by an ornate tin, lined with a billowing linen napkin, full of French fries seasoned with duck confit.

You wouldn't expect a hamburger to make its way on to the menu at an establishment like this one, but - coming from a devout vegetarian - this burger does itself well. I immensely enjoy setting it before a guest. The visual encounter alone frequently elicits "oohs" and "aahs".

Imagine my surprise, my disappointment, my aghast when I chanced upon something less than appreciation the other night. It was not chagrin or criticism or disapproval that I encountered. I would have welcomed such a response in place of the one I received after setting the delicately crafted dish down in front of a guest.

"Thanks." And without taking so much as a pause, a breath, a moment to actually intend the gratitude just offered, "Could I have some ketchup?"

Some ketchup? You want some ketchup to go with your twenty-five dollar hamburger and fries? Are you a little worried that the chef back there in his "kiss the cook" apron might have, sometime during his culinary education in Paris, failed to learn how to make the food taste good on its own? You a bit nervous that he forgot to include something that would have made the meal better? I'll go ask him for a side of ketchup... and get slapped in the face for insulting him. No, I won't ask him, I'll just see if I can scrounge up some ketchup packets in the back, somewhere next to the creme brulee, or the fondue, or the bruschetta, or the olive tapenade. Honestly, you want some ketchup?

I thought all of that right away, but no more than that because she kept opening her mouth wider and wider and managed to display her ignorance more completely, "And some mustard... and," she looked to a friend, "Should we get some mayo? And some mayo."

It was pretty well precisely at that moment that I went ahead and stopped believing that the customer is always right. The customer isn't always right. The customer isn't always anything. There is potential for the customer to be right, or gracious, or naive, or rude. There are a lot of possibilities. One thing I have come to expect from time to time in the midst of my interactions with human beings is an attitude of entitlement. But the perfectly horrid coupling of entitlement and rash ignorance was nearly more than I could stomach. That the customer is always right is a dangerous myth marinated in flattery. It holds no true merit.

I do believe in customer service, in lovingly wanting what's best for other individuals. I don't believe in telling someone outright that they are stupid (even when the occasion implies it). I cordially tried to talk her out of ruining the artwork that had just been placed in front of her. I tried to talk her into perhaps waiting and trying the food before conceptualizing how she (also a credentialed culinary expert?) might better it. You don't let someone do themselves harm without a bit of a struggle, some effort at interference. Nonetheless, sometimes you end up squirting each of an assortment of condiments into little silver ramekins, arranging them on a small white plate, keeping a smile on your face, and quietly lamenting the poor soul's demise.

Two-toos

I'm waiting tables at a small restaurant/pub/brewery by day and running food for a fancier fine dining establishment by night. At Scholar's Inn (the latter) last night one of the gentlemen that washes dishes asked me if that was a prison tattoo. He was referring to my right forearm. I don't think he could see my left one, but there's a tattoo there too. I have two new tattoos.
Upon taking to heart the Hebrew words Shalom and Shekinah I decided to take them into my flesh as well, a covenant of sorts, a permanent reminder.
The Hebrew language as a whole intrigues me - it's longevity, the elusive nature, fertile stories that have been told and carried with it. It isn't impossibly elusive, but it seems to be that, in order to interact with it and receive it's fullest impact and meaning, a person needs a hefty propensity toward imagination. This is true of all spoken and written words, but it's easier to forget with the language one uses everyday, and easier to remember (for me) when the language is backed up with countless generations of tradition and utility, and a touch of sanctification.
So the simple, stolid nature of the Hebrew script, and the fervent, florid meanings of the Hebrew words got under my skin.
Shalom - peace. A wholeness to hope toward. A desire for unity. A desire for unity at the expense of hatred, not at the expense of diversity. I reach out my right hand to the world, to my neighbor, and with it an extension of peace; remembering that all children, women, and men are my kin.
Shekinah - presence. The divine dwelling amongst earthen vessels. Linguistically this word is feminine, and carries with it an image of God, who is every bit as much Mother and Beloved as Father and Lover, wandering the dusty wilderness of this earth and these relationships that we belong to. Dwelling amongst us, wandering with us. I reach out my left hand to the world, to my neighbor, and with it an extension of presence; being present to those who are around me, and receiving their presence as a gift. Both necessary to who we are and who we are meant to be.


O Thou, far off and here, whole and broken,
Who in necessity and in bounty wait,
Whose truth is light and dark, mute though spoken,
By Thy wide grace show me Thy narrow gate.
(Wendell Berry)

December 10th 2006

I turned twenty five yesterday. It was really fun.
A year ago I wrote this entry in a little red journal:

"In front of a mirror I stood and was self-aware, nose to nose with myself, in a big way for the first time in a long time. Self-aware and self-confused, uncertain about how to situate myself in the world.
A big question, pointless maybe -- Who is looking back at me? I looked close enough to see the reflection of my own reflection in the wet dark centers of my eyes. Who is that?
He who drinks his lover in with the same eyes, and succeeds at stilling her heart with his words and touch long enough to have her trusting him.
He who takes the Eucharist like a child takes candy, like a glutton. Feeling around for God with his tongue between bites. Mostly hungry, but almost as desperate -- and by no means sure of which is the nobler motivation.
He who dabs at paper with his pen; or blinks through a few pages of literature; or gives enough of himself to the people around him to keep them interested and intrigued. All these things, from time to time, trying to rake out something more than an existence.
I was close enough to see my pores, to see my face that was a lot more of a child's face last time I looked that close.
Luckily my step-brother knocked on the bathroom door and startled me away from myself. But I'll have to go back. There's something in my that needs sorting through. I need to listen some more, to almost cry some more, and to stare..
Later I talked with my infant niece about the significance of the experiences that are common to life but new to me, the ones that are all bundled and tangled up inside of me right now. She laughed and gurgled spit out from between her vibrating lips."

Having done those things -- sorted, listened, started crying finally -- I expect to be right back at it this year. I may even arrive at some statements to share, if not here then in some format somewhere else. I'm feeling stronger this December 10th than I did the last one.
Today I'm driving an hour south, from Indianapolis to Bloomington, where I have an appointment to sign for an apartment there. I'll be moving come January. This feels like a big transition. I think I need to talk with EllaAnne some more; she's shaping her gurgles and spit into words now, but continues to remind me that no matter what words I might manage to arrive at, laughter probably still sums it up the best.

the sacrament of cereal

On the same morning that I gave Lauren a ring with a diamond in it (a diamond passed down to me that once belonged to my great-grandmother, reset in a whitegold band, pure and simple) she gave me a hand crafted metal bowl, unfree of blemishes, the perfect size in both width and depth. She and I enjoy cereal, enjoy the experience of sharing it with each other. We enjoy life. We enjoy each other's hands and feet. The bowl is small enough for a bowl of cereal and just big enough to wash one's hands and feet in it, or to wash someone else's hands and feet in it. I think it's sturdy enough for life.
It was July 11th, early in the morning before anybody else in the whole world was awake, that Lauren and I got engaged. And we've been that way ever since.

application unsent

a month or two ago i was filling out an application for christian theological seminary, which is just that, a seminary, here in indianapolis. i didn't finish the application cause i changed my mind, but i didn't waste my time filling things out either. i had begun a draft of my personal statement, specifically the part about what i want to be when i grow up. i wrote about wanting to be a professor because i get excited about contributing to other people's education, which is of course contributing to their formation and their process of becoming who they are. then i thought about what sorts of things have contributed to making me the sort of person that gets excited about things like that, or just the sort of person that i am in general. the influences are as many as the people i've met and the conversations i've had with them, i decided. the influences are intricate and convoluted.
my formation -- as in the lines scrawled in black across the canvas of my life, the lines that give me shape -- was initiated by things like parental influence, religious heritage, culture and my social status within it. these are the things that distinguish me as a person who belongs to a certain time in a certain place, and who bears certain expectations.
my becoming -- as in the colors that fill me in and make me me -- are such things as the decisions i have made to adventure, play, love, speak, read, pursue, be still, encounter, and desire. things like my experiences in the wilderness, encountering the natural elements, encountering God, encountering a subtlety of existence that exceeds in quality the one that exists in the midst of the always striving elements of civilization. like books i've read and teachers i've had that have told me explicitly or in disguise, didactically or suggestively, that truth is mediated to us through metaphors; that imagination is essential for deciphering the truths within these metaphors; and that it is the same with God, beauty, and hope as it is with truth. like relationships that have integrally communicated to me that i am loved and capable of loving, and in the process have periodically revealed to me how it is that i go about receiving and expressing love. like the places i have gone in response to my commitment to an established revulsion toward the status quo; the places i have gone geographically, theologically, and life-stylistically.
these are the things that distinguish me as a person who is himself and not finished and, like the rest of you, not quite definable. it is the first that give my body shape and the latter that fill it with breath.

----------------

in the meantime, even though i changed my mind about cts, i'm still pondering and precariously close to pursuing more education. i listed a few reasons for this pursuit on the incomplete application.
--because i can't stop thinking. and a context for that, a plot of land that my thoughts can flourish in, would not be a bad thing to have. without it they might run amuck, get overgrown, and not end up nourishing anyone.
--i'm ready for some more structured intellectual stimulation.
--i want to teach, and like it or not (a lot of the time i do, some of the time i don't) i need credentials to do that.
--i want to teach, but i need to establish a big, fat, insatiable habit of learning first.

---------------

and then the application asked about my values. i made a list on the back of the envelope that the application came in. -- listening -- awareness -- simplicity -- primacy of relationship -- blessed are the peacemakers -- significant amounts of creating, noticing, and appreciating beauty. i jotted down that i value several of the traditional things as well. things such as fidelity and honesty and ambition and hard work. further to the right on the envelope i noted that i value travel and home, reading and writing, people and solitude.

lauren and i ran the indianapolis mini-marathon together on saturday. our experience contributed significantly to my renewed appreciation for large portions of humanity getting excited with one another about doing something fun, beneficial, and difficult. when that happens that's good news as far as i'm concerned. i value that.

I've been back a year

Before coming back from Europe last year I spent my final night in the Dublin airport and sat there with my eyes squinted tight trying to see what it was that I had just experienced. The most accurate thing I determined was that I was much the same as when I had left and that I was much different.
The similarities and differences between what characterizes a human on one portion of her/his journey compared to another portion are almost always blurry. Very seldom do we wake up dramatically distinct from the person we went to sleep as. But always, I'm convinced, things are happening and shifting in us subtly. We hope for the better, but it's best not to worry about it too much.

---------------

Right now the things I'm big on (which is to say: the things I'm thinking about, reading about, talking about, and trying to, even if ever so slightly, live about) are, amongst other things, in no particular order, the following:
-- environmentalism. I pray each night that God would help me to honor the earth and all its inhabitants. That prayer hasn't gotten fully answered yet. Neither is it any great comfort to me to know that every single person reading this, and everyone who isn't, could do a better job at it. We're each actually responsible - regardless of our faith or politics - to do so.
-- feminism. Feminism is not about angry women wanting a platform, and it's not about suggesting that only men are capable of oppression. Feminism is about acknowledging that an essential voice throughout history and in the world today is far too typically and easily ignored. It's mostly about wanting to live somewhere where mutuality and embrace are the norm rather than domination and alienation.
-- rethinking salvation. A step away from the traditional concepts of heaven and hell, toward a (hopefully) more complete desire for wholeness and justice (corporately, and then personally too).
-- rereading the bible. Trying to express an appreciation for the bible as a magnificent collection of literature - if not all literary masterpieces (some are, some aren't) than at least literary treasures. And trying to express that in such a way that doesn't warrant the assumption that I'd like to take God's voice out of the bible.
-- language. Not like cuss words and stuff. But an awareness of the affect of the words and symbols, images and metaphors that we use. How we term our world and articulate reality carries a lot. I consider the language we use to talk about God to be of specific, and even elevated, importance.

That's just a touch of the temperature of who I am or what I'm about (or what's the difference?) right now. Just a touch.

McTrees

I feel sorry for the trees off of interstate 84 planted in the picnic area of the McDonalds; situated there to give a touch of atmosphere to an otherwise plastic scene.
I feel like one of them someitmes. All tree-y and wild and connected to the earth with life and nourishment coursing, gracing through me. But my roots pressed up against the concrete of the suburbs, my soul situated in the midst of a plastic culture promising the fulfillment of plastic dreams.
It's hard to flourish beneathe the golden arches.

Panentheism

The people whose lives I am, in one way or another, currently involved in are representative of much. Their lives expose me and break me open to the layer of reality beneathe the crust of the life that I live when it's just me that I'm concerned with.
I kissed a woman's face this morning, was told that I am loved and knew it to be true, nigh on limitless.
I hold my infant neice about everday, the well being of my soul requires it. She tells me about how valid it is to be vulnerable. She is complete and whole, with her limbs filling in and beginning to flail about with some purpose and precision; but she is thorough in her neediness, adorabley so.
I walked through the hallways of an elementary school with a young girl who has been mostly unsought after for as long as she has been capable of blinking through the tears that come as a result; that come as a result of being passed from home to home, not knowing which family to fall in love with.
I held and restrained and chased after and reasoned with a six year old boy adopted only two years ago from Russia. He fluctuated from anger to adoration rapidly, back and forth, barely receptive to the love and hopes wrung tightly from the ragged lives of the teachers and parents who are everyday with him.
Another boy, eight perhaps, with down's syndrome follwed me from class to class and sometimes followed the directions I gave him. We read together. He looked at me with his eyes locked into mine and he touched my beard with curiosity.
I talked on the phone with my friend who is smarter than most friends that I have and more confused about life than he is smart.
I talked face to face with a pastor who is just as real life as I am, and at least as sensitive to it.
I traded greetings and brief conversation with my neighbor who is late into his fifties. He's a dealer, and in his spare time, like a bit of a parent, he keeps watch over his young white naive neighbors.
And then some.
And these things happening to me, to us -- if we'll just open our eyes and realize it -- are far more significant than they are transitory. They happen - snap - like that and I wake up tomorrow barely aware, if I'm lucky, that somehting divine took place when my life rubbed up against hers or his, theirs. Life is happening. All around you life is happening. So hang on tight or blink your eyes fast - whatever you need to do to cope or keep up. Your knuckles will go white and you'll blink your eyes dry before you realize that all around you life is happening. Then you'll let go and dampen your gaze. Then open your eyes wide for once and breathe in big deep breaths that tingle your skin as they enter your lungs. Let go and die. See God everywhere, in almost everything. And simply live.

Psalm 126

It was nearly seven years after I experienced the knife, which was only eight days after I left my mother's womb and first experienced exposure to this world, when I saw the lunatic spew out his prayers and poems with globs of spit pasted to the corners of his mouth.
We had been traveling more days than I could count. I was young and slow in the mind, and I could not count beyond what my toes and my fingers helped me with, but our days in the dust were beyond that number. I was young, my feet were soft and they grew raw. The beasts shriveled where they are meant to be heavy with milk and instead the heaviness was in their heads which hung down like stones on the ends of their long necks. The women took steps slowly. The children whimpered, when they didn't have enough breath to wail. The men were either quiet or violent. No one remembered why we walked. We just walked. One reliefless step. Then another. Without emotion, without purpose, without so much as a swallow of water to divide between our company. Our throats ached, cracked like the ground beneath me shoeless feet. And no one remembered why. Except the lunatic. Apparently he remembered; and his feet, toes bleeding, carried him from one clump of the travellers to another, eyes laughing and beard frothing, tiring us all the more with his rhyming racket..

the nameless one has made us
free
we dream we dream
our mouths are filled
with laughter
see
we dream we dream
my tongue alive -
wiggles, rattles, spittles song
to the nameless one
here, with us
all along
the way we dream

He raved about the Nameless One. He raved about our dreams. I don't remember dreaming. I remember being hungry, being thirsty. I remember squinting against the sun and digging sand out of my ears. But his eyes rolled up in his head when he laughed, the thick locs on his narrow head shaking. My father said to ignore him. My mother stifled a smirk. My baby sister passed gas. And the lunatic went on -- clawing at the dirt, screaming at the desert, mad with a fool's hope. He said we'd be happy. He said it in a prayer. Said we'd water the dusty fields with our tears and harvest a whole crop of happiness.
No one believed him, he was a lunatic.

At Hubbard and Cravens I talked with Jeff.

Jeff said that Paul Tillich called God the 'ground of all being' and pointed out how appealing that must be to me because I am grounded; in the sense that I like the earth, I like having my bare feet touch the dirt and the press of sharp rocks against my soles. He's right, it is appealing. Because it almost doesn't limit God. It almost lets God just be, without qualifiers and particulars. Qualifiers and particulars eventually have to get trashed. They are (and are meant to be) pretty and nice smelling at first. Then they wilt and should get dumped into the kitchen garbage. Lots of us keep the wilted particulars around because we can't stand an empty vase. But we shouldn't worry much. The garden is in full bloom.

my hippie spirituality

It begins with long hair, on my head and on my face, unkempt; and it manifests itself in the odor of my armpits often unadorned with deodorant, the hand sewn elbow patch on my thinning thrift store sweater, and a more often than not vegetarian diet. It begins there because these things have to do with me on the outside, and I believe spirituality has a lot to do with me and my body and how we interact with the stuff of the world that is going on outside of us. It continues in that my recent spiritual life has been one of less discipline; more of a barefoot, free-love, go-with-your-emotions style of (christian) spirituality. My focus has rested more heavily upon peace and love; shifted from the prove-my-point debates of the classroom, to poetry readings in a field where we all sit cross legged in a circle with smiles on our faces. Someone picking at the strings of an old guitar. And Jesus is unavoidabley central to it all, because this flimsy, free life of the spirit that I have been living has somehow sustained me and been sustained, even without the aid of drugs and sex, even with only a limited amount of rock'n'roll.

'over the hedge'

deceit. nudity. forbidden love. revenge. homicide. car chases. violence. explosions. family values. materialism. commercialism. capitalism. gluttony. secrecy. romance. mission. loss. redemption. pleasure. friendship. forgiveness. community. seduction. diplomacy. diabolical banter. world-stopping hyperactivity. satire. hypocrisy. destruction. reconstruction. pain. growth. ruin. and wonder.
plus the soundtrack is the fruits of the combined efforts of ben folds and hans zimmer.

i would encourage everyone to see this movie.

paria day four

an entry i penned during the walk through the canyon and desert that surrounds the twists and turns of the paria river in arizona/utah, an adventure that i shared a week ago with my trail mates: sparrow, friar, and mouse (aka laurence, ryan, and scott):

we were to walk with our Abba today and let Him let us share our dreams. 'what are your dreams?' is what we started the day with. and, 'let your heavenly Father whisper to you about you.'
my dreams, or the metaphors for them, are changing -- i still want to battle complacency, but my metaphor doesn't require bloodshed anymore - or at least not the involuntary shedding of another's blood.
now i dream of sculpting awareness into the everyday moments.
i dream of helping people become aware. aware of real life situations in our local and global communities. aware of the beauty and tragedy that spins together on this globe. aware of God. aware of eachother. aware of the cries for justice, the cries for friendship, the cries for acknowledgment. i want to help people be aware of things like hunger and warfare and sickness that exist unnecessarily; and to help people be aware that the way we live has an effect on these realities - helping the realities to become worse, allowing them to remain, or aiding in the solution. i want to help people be aware of their neighbors' hurts, or even to be aware that they have hurting neighbors who need to be loved actively, not ignored, not judged. i want to help people be aware of their connection to the earth, and aware of our general disregard for it. i want to help people be aware of our connection to eachother. i want to help people be aware of our connection to Someone who most of us call God. I want to help people be aware of the general truths of the teachings of the Christian church.
mingling hard won understanding of the spiritual life with the gritty, given details of the day to day. mingling action and contemplation, the sacred and the profane, the human and the divine, heaven and earth.
i want to help people be aware in these ways and more, and i don't want to leave them there just as i don't want to be left there. i dream of joining together with the human beings around me to dance toward an appropriate response in thought, word, and deed. so i dream of being a part of a community of increasing and tangible awareness that is committed to God's dream of love and peace.
i hope for this dream to come true.

ocean sides

apparently now that i'm back home (one of them) i won't be writing as much on this weblog.
that's kind of what i expected, but the past couple weeks have seen to its being true.
i will still write sometime probably.

still sifting through the emotions and realities that go along with being back on this side of the atlantic. believe it or not, this side of the atlantic is not far off from the other side. it is different, but not even mostly different, only some. there are people that need to be loved. there are moments that ought to be lived well - both intentionally and carelessly at the same time. there are responsibilities that are sometimes daunting, sometimes delightful. it's important (essential?) to share conversations and craft memories with others; just as it is to seek the hefty peace of God in solitude.

the public transportation in indy sucks, there isn't as much cobblestone, and it doesn't smell the same. but other than that..

a forehead with a story to tell

I've got this awesome tan face, pale forehead thing going on. I wore a bandana while I was walking in the hills, a bandana and no sunscreen.
I'll sleep in a bed, under a roof for the first night in six tonight. I'll fall asleep to the sound of people snoring instead of sheep bleating.
I'm going to miss the sheep.
And a whole lot else too no doubt - but I'm ready to come home. And I'm coming home.
Flight number 93, Dublin to Chicago OHare, Tuesday 10.45am.
Peace..

a plea for fencelessness

Even the tiniest fragments of life shared has the power to quelch great furies of lonliness.
Broken bread and the common cup, Bonhoeffer's 'Life Together', the doctrine of the holy Trinity, People's Market in the park between Sandycove and Dun Laughaire -- we are meant to commune; by these things and more I have been convinced. And the idea of such communion, not to mention the brief and often whispy but very real glimpses of its realization, is absolutely saturated with the staggering hope of what some of us call the gospel.
I'm ready to live this, and to know it, and to spread it like the contagion that it is.
Now how do we go about it?
I believe it begins and ends with laughter.
I believe along the way it is just as full of tears and honest struggle as it is of the playful endeavor of creating memories of joy.
I believe it means we begin loving one another even and especially when it makes us sweat and feel pain. I believe it means we begin loving not only each other but also the others we label as 'them' until 'they' have disappeared into the all embracing 'us'.
I believe we ought to take seriously, and maybe even literally, some of the things that Jesus more-than-suggested; some of the things we have failed to include in our white-picket-fenced gospel of personal space and private property.
We should pray. We should want it. And we should try.

"The new story [which is also the oldest] is about communion, and it will be up to us whether we experience it as a taste of heaven or as a dose of the other place." (a.jones)

re-imagination

Reading 'Re-imagining Christianity' by Alan Jones, Episcopal priest and Dean of Grace Cathedral in San Francisco. He tells about how 'the monks who prepared him for the priesthood taught him that the life of faith was like falling in love.' He says, 'the monks told us that three experiences would be ours: pregnancy, suffereing, and communion. These three gave life its dramatic structure.'
Pause a moment.
The images of Mary with her son, the image of Christ on the cross, and the mystery of the holy Trinity. Pregnancy, suffering, communion.
As images and art these are more prevelant in the Anglican, Catholic, and Orthodox flavors of Christianity than they are in the Protestant -- but as realities I think these elements are common not only within all sects of Christianity but within all of the branches of humanity.
On the most basic level each of us each day should be able to see, if we open our eyes wide enough to take notice, that we do indeed experience pregnancy, suffering, and communion. We are, each of us at some point everyday that we are alive, pregnant with hope for something, anything. Whether it be a noble hope, for a world in which peace dominates; or a simple hope, for a kind word or just a smile from a neighbor, even a stranger. We each experience suffering, that is not difficult to admit. We each find ourselves hurt and hurting, and it is more often than not a result of a hope deffered if not shattered. Communion - we desire it, we need it, and, thank God, we receive it. And if that's not the case, if you happen to be the one whom communion has managed to ellude then go to someone, or go to God, or a tree or a lake or a bird or a flower, and extend a hand, an embrace, a look, a compliment. For such an extension results in reception, and that is communion.
How invigorating it is to me that these realities of the human situation - pregnancy, suffering, and communion - are not only represented but fulfilled in the Christian tradition. Or is it the other way around? Or who cares?

tunes

The past few days I've been dancing and humming to all sorts of tunes. The tune of the Blasket Islands across the white speckled waters on the western coast of Ireland. The tunes of the dynamic personalities manifested in Joey the Irish bus driving poet and Sherah the middle-aged, boisterous, stout, redheaded psychologist from North Carolina. The tune of rain on my face from a top the battlements of Blarney Castle. I swum in the Atlantic with Eric the quasi-agnostic Swede. The waves that took us under were just a stones throw from the hillside where the first scene from Far and Away was filmed. In Killarney I caught one final set of Irish traditional music in the pub with the fire place, and I found a book of Seamus Heaney's poetry to flip through in Adare's small town library.
Dublin welcomed me back for the night.
Tomorrow - sabbath in People's Market between Sandy Cove and that port that sounds like Dunleery, but is spelled something like Dun Laoghaire.
Monday I look to the hills..

my friend edinburgh

goodbyes are tough. and it's hard to hug a city.
a few more hours in this place that has become for me.. what has it become? it is not home, i don't want to keep on living here, but it has been.. what has it been? this place has been the backbone of my pilgrimage. and leaving it feels significant in such a way that might make me cry and will definately make me smile. leaving it leaves me happy-sad, empty-full.

many a wrong and its curing song
many a road and many an inn
room to roam
but only one home
for all the world to win
(g.macdonald)

olives with garlic in 'em

The combination of Lauren, Cassie, and Amy is a thing more to be experienced than described. If you get the opportunity I fully recommend that you embrace it. When said combination is combined with the sharing of one's favorite city, the sharing of meals, the sharing of tea, and the sharing of adventures, what results is a heart (or several) quickened toward happiness.
I love hanging out with girls. Especially the sort who play in mud on Scottish hill sides (or was the mud playing with us?), who infect you with the enjoyment they are feeling at any given moment, who buy you ludicrously delectable cups of hot chocolate and make vats of spinach pasta with olives jammed full of garlic mixed in next to the sun-dried tomatoes, and who consider the wetness of rain to be a touch of welcome, a whisper of endearment from the author of all weather, the author of all that is right and good and lovely.
You should have seen the sunset we got their first night here. God likes us, I'm convinced.

The combination of Lauren, me, and not an ocean in between us will also remain undescribed.. "for words are vain, reject them all, they utter but a feeble part.." It was poetry. The best bits of life are.

providence

My first night in Italy I went to sleep out in the open under the stars and a clear sky. I woke up out in the open in the rain. For the most part after that I slept inside under roofs, but never the same one twice.
In Vernazza, which is a coastal village in Italy not all that far from Genoa where I flew in to, I met Geoff, who is Australian, from Queensland, and he is a pentacostal. Our stories connected in such a way that we moved rapidly from acquaintanceship to brotherhood; he enriched my faith.
In Barcelona, which is on the eastern coast of Spain and a lot bigger than Vernazza, I met Chris from Berlin, and we didn't delve into many matters of faith, but he certainly brightened my day.
When I got to Pomplona at 5am one morning it was very cold and I was very alone. At about 5.17am I met Iago, who also had a backpack and also planned to walk across Spain, but he was planning to walk across more of it than I was. Iago smoked pot twice during the seven hours we were together and he said a few cuss words in English, maybe some in Spanish too, I don't know, even still I think he was an angel because I'm convinced that, without his help, I'd still be wandering around Pomplona aimlessly with a sad, confused look on my face. He helped me find a train that would take me to Leon in the middle part of northern Spain, that's where I started walking.
My first day on el Camino do Santiago (the Way of Saint James) I met Laura from Iowa, except sort of from Madrid, because she has lived and taught english there for four years. She is Jewish and is passionately afraid of snakes, but even more passionately in love with languages. Next year she is moving to Beijing because she wants to learn to speak Chinese. Laura and I shared lots of meals and lots and lots of conversations, she also enriched my faith.
I walked for a day with a German woman named Dorothy, except the German version of Dorothy which probably has dots over the 'o' and ends with an 'a'.
I walked a bit with Rainer from Austria too, he's the first person I've ever walked with, except my Grampy Mitchell, who was difficult for me to keep up with. The garlic soup at the restaurant we ate at was well worth the effort.
Gregoire, who also walks fast and far and at all hours of the night, is a culinary artist and he is who I'd stay with if I ever visited Germany.
Faith and Leslie from Ohio, who were visiting Santiago de Compostela, took it upon themselves to make a mercilessly wet and rainy day into a wonderful one when they invited me to breakfast about an hour before my flight back to London.
A significant number of things like that kept happening all throughout that made it difficult for me to not believe in providence, or at least that there is a God who likes me and has some sort of influence over the ordering of events and encounters.
I had fun learning a couple Italian words and some Spanish phrases, I patted several stray cats, made friends with a few dogs, wanted to bottle up one of the small farming villages I walked through so that I can pull it out and sit in it when ever the world gets too busy and hurried for me, and I walked all the way to the Atlantic, went for a swim.
Aunt Doris made my life more beautiful before and after my adventures by receiving me into her home, feeding me at her table, and beating me at Skip-Bo. If everyone had an Aunt Doris the world would be a better place.
Speaking of beauty, there's a good bit more of that on her way to me now, but I'll write on that later.. one heart stirring experience at a time..

j&b haze

The nearly steady drizzle in Edinburgh didn't keep Josh and Beth and I from exploring the streets by foot, taking it all in - glory and graffiti alike - though it did probably push us into the pub a bit more frequently than we may have gone had the sun been shining bright on our days shared here.
And we went to the Isle of Skye - I'd tell you about its splendor but you wouldn't believe me, you'd say that my contact lenses must have a rose tint to them, and maybe you'd be right - but there's no denying: it was the stuff of dreams.
Ewan McLeod was our guide, the driver of our bus, and a storyteller at heart. He enjoyed profanities like a school boy enjoys sweeties (which is what Ewan and most other Scotsmen call candy). He was packed to the brim with energy, creative information, and convictions that rubbed pleasantly though not comfortabley on my soul.
We played cards. One time I got twenty-one points and Josh and Beth only had two or three if you added all their points together. It's really fun playing cards with them because they bicker like they've been married for at least fifty years. We laughed a whole bunch. And we ate almost the same amount.
They left yesterday and I am assuming, after a long day of travel, got home to the Belfast that isn't in Northern Ireland safely.

I'm leaving Edinburgh for a few weeks and I may or may not be writing stuff here on 'aramgorn' during them. Still pray for me though, and chances are I will pray for you a time or two.
Bus tonight to Canterbury, my Great Aunt Doris lives there. We're going to play Skip-bo and tell tales - Canterbury ones.
Thursday March second I fly from London to Genoa in northern Italy. Thursday March twenty-third I fly from Santiago de Compestelo in northern Spain back to London. I'll let you know about the in between stuff after I find out about it.

"And he felt the joy of a traveller discovering a new, unfamiliar, and beautiful world." (tolstoy)

onward

leaving prague in a touch more than eight hours.
it has been remarkable. and by "it" i mean the city, the people, the adventures, the memories, and the moments that i have crossed paths with this month. by "remarkable" i mean worth remarking about. instead of only word remarks though i will share three picture remarks before booking it to the airport and (as nehemiah himself would say in an almost complete sentence) "go bye-bye on a high-guy."




the metro - so fast, so loud, so the way to go. this is me with two of my favorites: aaron and bumble, who has a head in real life, just not this picture.



see the faces, note the expressions (particularly aaron's) -- that's just how cool my time in prague was. (that's bumble with his head on.)



the best sight in all of prague - a store front window display not far from our flat on Kamenicka. these boys are brilliantly happy to be playing with their toy train. and it makes me laugh. everytime.

three

i have done more than three cool things recently, nonetheless here's three cool things that i have recently done:

went skiing with aaron (who snowboarded) in the mountains that are about three hours of pleasant bus riding away from here. the snowflakes were many, the slopes taxing and forgiving all at the same time, and they had these t-bar lifts that got aaron giggling like a school-girl everytime one hit me in the back of the head.

taught more czech students about canada - doing my best to correct some of the stereotypes and typify some of the others. by the end of class we had discussed igloos, beavers, maple syrup, canadian beer, the existence of God, favorite ice cream flavours, and i had them all singing 'o canada' with gusto.

finished reading 'resurrection' by leo tolstoy. it is a novel that has the potential to pull its reader into the centre of a struggle with the complexities of the system of oppression and injustice that was apparently functioning at the head of russian society around the time when horses pulled carriages through the city streets (the sort of system that still functions today in so many societies and in the world at large). it is about a rich guy who encounters his own idifference, rebels against it, and spends five hundred pages trying to atone for his past sins while coming face to face with the sins of his present - sometimes feeling beautiful and noble like atonement and sometimes feeling dirty and messed up like sin. it's about a rich guy who had dreams, lost them, and goes through a very slow process of finding a field of hope to cultivate more dreams (similar ones, but new ones) in once again.

and now i will go do more things..

in the present tense

I met Lucien Zell the other day. I don't know quite how to describe the encounter because it took me by surprise, caught me without all of my be-prepared-for-cool-encounters receptors turned on. Unforgetable, maybe? Totally random, or, because it seems that way, totally not. He's a poet, that's what he does, that's who he is. He has dread locks, a dark beard with a strand or two of white here and there, and he only has one hand. I told him I'm an aspiring poet, and I got the impression that, were we to remain friends, he would hold me to that.
In a bookstore tucked along a small street not far from the river he showed me a book of his poetry. We sat there and offered select bits of our stories to each other.
We were joined by a Czech student he knew, and I learned that my love goes out naturally to some and gets damed up enroute to others. Lucien was fun to love, because we connected, the other guy was easy to be bothered by. Oops.
In a tea room, a few turns and a slight stroll away from the bookstore, the three of us sat in low chairs and shared a meal together - each of us approaching life in a different way, but maybe not really, but yes really too.
Lucien listened with his ears open wide, and eyes the same way. The words and phrases we passed back and forth as we crafted the conversation (or do they craft us?) kept on hitting targets in me, kept striking me in tender spots - the spots that tell me I'm poetic, I'm romantic, I'm hopeful.
I like meeting other people like that. It helps me, somehow, in my belief that Jesus was and is like that.
We talked about Jesus, Lucien and I. Lucien said beautiful things about Jesus, true things about how Jesus wanted people to love each other and how he didn't want to start up violence and hatred in people's hearts even though that's what ended up happening, because that's what always seems to end up happening. But Jesus didn't want that, Lucien said, he didn't want to get mixed in with the struggle for power. Jesus wanted people to be kind and to live life well, and in a bold display Jesus went about loving and living well.
I think Lucien would probably talk about Jesus in the past tense only, I didn't notice, but that's the impression I got. I think Lucien probably could approach spirituality without it all being saturated with Jesus. Lucien's pretty tolerant and I think he could stomach the religions without Jesus just as readily as the ones with Jesus. And that doesn't scare me too much; doesn't scare me in the sense that I'm not afraid of Lucien because of it, I embraced him as a friend rather than skewering him as a threat.

I read something tonight by an old friend and mentor of mine. He wrote about me and a lot of my peers - people who are sifting through an emerging if not fresh sort of Christian spirituality - and his words were stuffed with encouragement toward us. He also extended some warning, because that's how he thinks - he finds positive things in various approaches to faith as well as things to be wary of. "Keep Jesus," he wrote. And by it he meant, when we talk about Jesus we ought to talk about Jesus in the present tense as well as the past tense; and if we're really bold we'll talk about Jesus in the future tense too, maybe we'll even talk to Jesus and not only about Jesus. My old friend and mentor meant that if we're really interested in the Kingdom of God, life to the full, loving our neighbors as our self - if we're committed to these things - then our spirituality has to be saturated with Jesus; if we're going to live religiously then our religion has to be saturated with Jesus; if we're going to live, period, believing and hoping in those things, then our lives have to be saturated with Jesus -- and not just a "once-upon-a-time" Jesus and not just a "happily-ever-after" Jesus but a real live right here and now Jesus.
I'm glad he reminded us to keep Jesus. I'm glad he didn't suggest that we should feel threatened by people who don't.

the hunt

Aaron designed a scavenger hunt for me, handed me his camera, gave me a Czech/English dictionary, a map of the city, and pushed me out the door. So much fun. He had me riding trams and the metro, looking for graves and castles and signs with penguins on them. I walked through some of the grittiest and most graffitied bits of Prague. I discovered some of the most beautiful urban-vistas. I climbed trees, made friends, and pretended I was a photographer.
Below are a handful of the pictures I took – some that I’m in, some that I’m not.
Enjoy. I did.

ones i'm not

ones i'm in

today (30/1/06)

some observations from it, experiences during it, glimpses into it..
-- a nose that hurts from the cold of the morning while i juggled the names of three foreighn sounding train stations trying to find the one with the 9.22 to Kralupy
-- singing the canadian national anthem for a class of czech highschoolers and having them sing theirs for me in exchange
-- the little yellow birds with the black foreheads and wingtips that keep crossing my path
-- a low ceilinged tunnel then the old cemetary where a tired angel statued over a grave with an evergreen bow resting on her shoulder
-- new tastes, filled belly
-- aaron and i synchronizing our ipods to bright eyes' melodies while we strided over slick cobble stone and past the man smoking some not-a-cigarette
-- getting mail that smells nice
-- unshoeing feet that don't

today was a really good day.

disciplines

My brother David has this incredible ability to take words and sculpt them into the shape of questions that help you take a look at the important things - whether those things have to do with your insides (introspection/contemplation) or if the important things have to do with what is all around you (kingdom vision/awareness). In this way he is an artist.

He is also an athlete, in that he has quite a disciplined training regiment regarding the condition of his heart and soul. He's a coach too because he extends this regiment to others (in chunks that are manageable for them). One of the chunks that he sculpted is called the "rear.view.mirror" - it is a collection of questions to puruse through pondering up answers and in so doing you sort of evaluate the past year of your life. He sent it to me and a handful of others toward the end of 2005. (www.zigsrearviewmirror.blogspot.com)

Going through it was kind of like getting a physical at the doctor's, because you have to sit there in your underwear all vulnerable, you get poked, and it's not always very comfortable - but, if you're interested in staying healthy, it's not a bad idea to go through with it.

One of the prods asks about the spiritual disciplines, and asks more specifically about which ones you have been trying or enjoying, which ones have recently been significant in your spiritual formation.

For me, while I was in Edinburgh especially, receiving the elements of the Lord's supper was perhaps the most beautiful source of spiritual nourishment - and it was a discipline because I went to communion even when I felt like staying where I was (in bed sleeping or on the couch reading a book). Other spiritual disciplines I have stayed divinely-connected by are: randomly pausing to breathe deeper and look around, sitting on benches or on the porch, going for walks, whistling, colouring with crayons, poetry, and listening to wordless music while sipping something hot.

You should try the colouring with crayons one, it is tranquilizing.

skipping

I had my first official Czech class today - eavesdropping on and participating in Aaron's language lesson with Alešš. Czech is a fun language to look at and fascinating (as are all languages really) to listen to. They have vowels, like we do, and use them, but more sparsely - they don't seem to be as concerned as we are with slipping vowels in most everywhere. They're not as afraid of consecutive consonants.
I also got my travel pass today - good for třicet (thirty) days (and the "c" in třicet makes a cool "ts" sound not a "ss" or a "k"). With it I can skip across Prague via metro, tram and bus. And we've done a fair bit of skipping already. Aaron and I even waved farewell to Prague for a couple days and I got to experience cool places called Sokolov, Karlovy Vary, and Cheb (which is pronounced way different from how you just pronounced it in your head).
More than Prague (and other places in the Czech Republic) though I've enjoyed getting to know the inner workings of Nehemiah's world. Nehemiah Williams is the most fully alive individual I've encountered yet on my journeys. He's got a contagious passion for aviation, he is quite well read, has an extensive library which he eagerly shares from, he's an artist, he's extremely social and outgoing, a world traveler, and most of the time now he poopoo's and peepee's in the toilet. He and I are rapidly becoming great friends.
Many memories being made, new words being learned, and lingering conversations being had. Here's some pictorial representations of some of it..










sokolov, tattered-wet-butt-giving chair outside of joel's flat, where i met brian as well


















traveling by train, second class












mike, aaron, and aram - it looks like we're in a band, we'd make a great band (mike plays guitar, aaron knows music, i have a bandana on)



















big hug offered to all from the centre of old square in prague



















the wind that made my eyes watery, enroute to cheb



















my faithful travelling companions



















me and one of the locals



















my new friend mike, my old friend the mountain hardware windstopper, and my me












bark bark



















my nano in action, nehemiah enjoying the sporadic musical movements composed by jon brion for eternal sunshine of a spotless mind

praha

about 42 minutes before i get on a bus that'll take me to edinburgh's airport.
a few hours before i get on a plane that'll take me to prague's.
meeting aaron and phoebe and nehemiah williams there - and i'm really excited and really curious about what will ensue throughout the remainder of this month and the majority of next.

took a long walk in the rain last night to say, not "good bye" but "good bye for now" to edinburgh. feeling grateful. feeling ready. feeling pleased.

"I sat a long time, unwilling to go; but my unfinished story urged me on. I must act and wander." (george macdonald penned those words, but i would have as well had i thought to before he did.)

more dense

This is from an essay by Natalie Rusz, found in a book that Santa gave me, and I think it's really quite moving. Natalie spent much of her childhood being cared for with other children in a children's hospital where "we were some of us handicapped, but none disabled, and in time we were each taught to prove that for ourselves." She wrote:
"For most of us, as people of crisis, it became clear that horror can last only a little while, and then it becomes commonplace. When one cannot be sure that there are many days left, each single day becomes as important as a year, and one does not waste an hour in wishing that that hour was longer, but simply fills it, like a smaller cup, as high as it will go without spilling over. Each moment, to the very ill, seems somehow slowed down and more dense with importance, in the same way that a poem is more compressed than a page of prose, each word carrying more weight than a sentence."

good days, good man

Some reflections/memoirs about my time here, brief and scattered, I penned in my journal last night, I hope they give you a few more glimpses of what it's been like:
When I walked into the hostel back when Wayne was the manager, or like he did just the other day as he biked passed me on the sidewalk, he would shout out with his half Australian, half uniquely-Wayne accent, 'Big man!'
When I walk into the Posh Lounge I'll likely find a Sweedish girl there knitting, though they are just as likely found in the kitchen doing the same.
Sometimes the sky is a deep deep blue with night time inside of it and stars sparkling through. Sometimes, like tonight, it's an almost-ugly grey, and it would be ugly if it weren't so beautiful. And when the sun gets stuck and lingers on the horizon - whether it's going down or coming up - bits of the sky get lit up with a whole variety of pastels. And I suppose that's no different from other places where the sun sets or rises, but there is something peculiar and wonderful about the pastel bits of sky being juxtaposed against the old plain stone building tops.
Sitting in St. Giles and looking up - sometimes it's the echoes that get to me, get in me, sometimes it's the silence - tonight it was the thought that pretty well every stone must have been placed individually.
I think I'm going to miss hearing cuss words during lots of the parts of everyday - not that I particularly condone cuss words - it's just that there's something about hearing them that tells you you aren't completely isolated from the world. Maybe I'll start listening to more rap - or perhaps I ought to make friends with more people who say cuss words.
Living with lots of vegetarians hasn't been quite as contagious as I would have thought - I had a hot dog for lunch today (didn't pay for it thought) - but I think I may begin to tread in that direction anyway.
I had a walking pic nic through a trashy park yesterday on the eastern fringes of the city - it wasn't very pretty, but quite pleasant.
Oh, and the way, everyonce in a while, something catches me unprepared to be touched - like the moon did rising out of the clouds last night while I stood atop Calton Hill, or like select salutations from certain letters often do, or like happens when my sister's tone of voice over the phone hints at her well being, or like when I kneel by my bed or stick the upper part of my body out the window to pray and the words come, words that actually mean what I feel and hope and want.
These have been good days.

Also, I'd like to share Chrales with you:
I don't know how old he is, I think he's 57 or maybe 61, but he's really healthy and energetic and young seeming - probably because of the cod liver oil he ingests (however it is one ingests cod liver oil) each morning. I think he likes to smile more than me, more than Santa Claus and Bob Marley even. A smile settles well on his face, settles better in his eyes. He seems possessed - not by a demon, although the gap in his teeth and the way he gets excited and bugs his eyes wide open at you wagging his head with laughter does have him resembling a goblin (a cute goblin, not a scary goblin) - not by an angel either, I'm not sure what he's possessed with, he just strikes me as one possessed.
We went to church together yesterday, had some tea afterwards. At church last night we crossed paths again and afterwards went out for tea. He's got a faith that is humorous - not ridiculous humorous - just unique and easy to smile at. Listening to him talk is overwhelming and fun - he goes real fast and switches gears like my cousin in his suped-up Mustang.
My favorite was talking with him about Jesus - hearing him say odd philisophical things about the energy and providence and omni-presence of God, then say, with his white-South African accent, something as simple and fundamental and perhaps, when it comes down to it, just as whaky, as, "What a savior we have in Jesus!"
Truly Charles. Truly.
He also said something else about being on guard against the wiles of our human nature, which is a whirling vortex of conflicting emotions.
And he bought my tea both times.
He's a good man.

how he prayed

After the bible was read from by the old gentleman whose face looks a bit like an owl's and whose voice suggests a wisdom to match it, the minister prayed before standing to continue with the liturgy and administer the elements to us. He prayed, saying that the lives and words and efforts of the four saints - Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John - as they composed their experiences into the writings that are held sacred by the church and that have softened hearts continuously, with power, over the centuries, are cause for (and here the r's rolled off the tip of his tongue) great gratidude.
And if nothing else, this is so. Whether inspired, illuminated, dictated, or simply scribbled down on a whim - those words, which we may or may not always heed, which we may or may not always feel warm inside about, have in them a transforming power that long proceeds us and will most likely out last us.
Bring them to life Holy Spirit - in our lives and in the lives of those most unliving.
Grateful. Amen.

Genesis 12.6

Astride one of the largest branches highup in the great tree of Moreh at Shechem - I wonder what we would have seen. Abram's caravan of relations and possessions cresting the dusty horizon. Moving slow by that time no doubt - wearied by the miles left behind them. But if we were able to crawl down a bit, unnoticed by those approaching, if we were able to get close enough but stay hidden enough to see into Abram's eyes (which would equal seeing into his thoughts and inner emotions) I wonder what they would have contained.
Would they tell the story of his journey, complete with conflict, confrontation, obstacles; containing the pain of a good home left and the delight of new sights seen, new territory approached and explored? Would that be clouded with doubt? doubt of himself and doubt of that Voice he heard -- the one that all his friends assured him was merely indigestion, the one he couldn't ignore and couldn't stop dwelling on. Would they be aglow with a wild, untameable peace? peace that he couldn't be rid of even if he had wanted to, peace that haunted him and watered the flower of enthusiasm that was budding so miraculously in his heart?
And if his eyes looked one way as he approached the tree would they look another way as he trekked through the hills east of Bethel? Did the father of faith have room in his soul to vary? Does faith offer the space for its possessor to take in lungfuls of whatever emotion is stirring in the air at any particular moment? Can the faithful appreciate and enter into the moment's emotion while living out of a source that goes much deeper than emotion?

humbly hugely happily

I stood at my window a couple evenings ago, being sad for many of my friends at the hostel - sad that they're stuck in a pointless lyfestyle and don't have much in the line of hopes and worthwhile desires. Then later, while I was waiting for my £2.95 all day breakfast (roll, beans, ham, sausage, egg, and black pudding) at Castle Arms I asked Angus what he wants to be when he grows up. Angus has dread-locks, a mustache and a soul-patch that help him resemble Captian Jack Sparrow, and he smokes pot. I had already labeled him in my own head as one of the hopeless, dreamless, stuck. He slapped me in the face with this dream of his to start a network of organic farms in South Africa whereby he could teach locals to support and sustain themselves while funneling tourist money into the local economy. How's that for a not-worth-while desire? Sounds like he wants to change the world to me. I was humbly, hugely, happily corrected.

After having breakfast for supper I went to my first ballet ever - Cinderella at Edinburgh's Festival Theatre. The colours and costumes were extravagant and fabulous to look at. The way they stand up on their toes like they do is well worth applauding. It's a lovely story. Some funny parts. No Gus Gus, but well done nonetheless.

And I've been reading Lilith by George MacDonald, who wrote lines like this:
"Please, king, I'm so afraid of being afraid."
"My boy, there is no harm in being afraid. The only harm is in doing what Fear tells you. Fear is not your master! Laugh in his face and he will run away."

enriched

since last i wrote: buckingham palace has been danced in front of, a couple corners of london and several of its streets have been thouroughly explored; pin nics have been had, the new year brought in (a top a double decker bus heading north somewhere between big ben and ben nevis), and many of my favorite edinburghian spots have been shared.
sharing the sights and sounds, having new conversations, and experiencing unchartable adventures with father and kelly brought a much hoped for contentment - we have (i think) been mutually enriched.

with my holiday over i'll be setting my hand to the plow again and probably, before the day is over, be tagging tartaned handbags at ness.
i'll be in edinbugh for two more weeks. there's an air plane holding a seat for me to go with it to prague on january the 19th.
at least that's what i have planned.
but really..Who knows.