To Whomever May Be Concerned:

I find life to be easier when things are organized. I gravitate toward orderliness and do my best to pursue clarity and ward off chaos. But I also try to allow space for disorder to take place. I have a drawer in the kitchen that is solely for clutter. I have a file amongst my computer documents that is a miscellaneous catch all. Until recently my hair was matted and unkempt. I try not to finish every book that I start. My most treasured spiritual insight is that peace is possible despite unanswered questions.

“In the beginning” order emerged from chaos and – as I’m sure we’ve all experienced often enough – it returns to it from time to time. At the cosmic dawning, as with our own essence, there is a relationship between the two – between what is done and what is undone, between the structured surge of life/now and the unkempt disarray of what was or has yet to be.

Living with order and chaos at war within and all around us is one option. Seeking conscious communion of the two is another.

Favoring the latter I try to open myself to the value of each, even though one is more difficult for me than the other.

I find that I have done well. I’ve made progress. But one chasm I’ve yet to cross (to enter) is what to do when order in my relationships evades me.

Recently I’ve been haunted and distracted by other people’s sore spots. I have come to realize that who I am – persona/ideas/expression – is a disruptive force in some people’s lives. Whether they are threatened, concerned, or curious, and have communicated it with tact, passion, or silence it has become clear that several of my relationships are askew. And I feel responsible to do something about it.

I hesitate to throw them into a drawer full of clutter, or to file them away to glance at later. I don’t want them to get too tangled up. I don’t want to not finish something that I’ve started. I am tempted to devote all of my energy to smoothing things over and setting things straight. But I can’t.

I can’t because I lack the capacity.

But also because I have the potential for creative enterprises that require my energy, and I am entering a season where I long to give it to them.

If you are one of my friends feeling askew, threatened, concerned, or curious: I cannot assuage the threat you feel, nor salve your concern. But I may be able to engage your curiosity. This isn’t me checking out of these relationships. It’s me saying that if you have questions about me then I’d be glad to enter them with you, but I can’t answer them for you.