Burst

You come from somewhere
someone's progeny
and fix yourself to his identity
or her breast
until you have the strength to stand apart and start
your search for the axis.

Looking high and low and in between
you can taste the dirt in a Wendell Berry poem
and feel the sparkle in the eye of a gnostic Christ.

Your body finds sex and
your soul finds your body and
your search for the center finds you.

Coming from somewhere thrust with a burst
into this world you lift your head
and stretch your legs
and open your heart to the unknown coming your way.

Coasting

Every once in a while -
When you're coasting downhill on your bicycle
You get a flat stone to skip five skips
A sip into your second glass of wine
The shutter on your camera shuts on a scene somewhat uncommon
A loaf of bread comes out just right
You hear your name spoken lovingly
When you dream a vivid dream
-you feel free.

To Whomever May Be Concerned:

I find life to be easier when things are organized. I gravitate toward orderliness and do my best to pursue clarity and ward off chaos. But I also try to allow space for disorder to take place. I have a drawer in the kitchen that is solely for clutter. I have a file amongst my computer documents that is a miscellaneous catch all. Until recently my hair was matted and unkempt. I try not to finish every book that I start. My most treasured spiritual insight is that peace is possible despite unanswered questions.

“In the beginning” order emerged from chaos and – as I’m sure we’ve all experienced often enough – it returns to it from time to time. At the cosmic dawning, as with our own essence, there is a relationship between the two – between what is done and what is undone, between the structured surge of life/now and the unkempt disarray of what was or has yet to be.

Living with order and chaos at war within and all around us is one option. Seeking conscious communion of the two is another.

Favoring the latter I try to open myself to the value of each, even though one is more difficult for me than the other.

I find that I have done well. I’ve made progress. But one chasm I’ve yet to cross (to enter) is what to do when order in my relationships evades me.

Recently I’ve been haunted and distracted by other people’s sore spots. I have come to realize that who I am – persona/ideas/expression – is a disruptive force in some people’s lives. Whether they are threatened, concerned, or curious, and have communicated it with tact, passion, or silence it has become clear that several of my relationships are askew. And I feel responsible to do something about it.

I hesitate to throw them into a drawer full of clutter, or to file them away to glance at later. I don’t want them to get too tangled up. I don’t want to not finish something that I’ve started. I am tempted to devote all of my energy to smoothing things over and setting things straight. But I can’t.

I can’t because I lack the capacity.

But also because I have the potential for creative enterprises that require my energy, and I am entering a season where I long to give it to them.

If you are one of my friends feeling askew, threatened, concerned, or curious: I cannot assuage the threat you feel, nor salve your concern. But I may be able to engage your curiosity. This isn’t me checking out of these relationships. It’s me saying that if you have questions about me then I’d be glad to enter them with you, but I can’t answer them for you.

hard soul

Also in TO, had a session of throat grinding, heart finding musical tutelage somewhere along Queen Street. Featuring champion busker and free fingered artist: DB Buxton.

coming out

I was in Toronto last weekend, standing on Church Street talking with Aaron, whose family is Indian and Catholic. We were talking and he asked me if I have a girlfriend, to which I responded, “A wife, actually.” I asked him if he has a boyfriend, but he doesn’t. He said he has to be discreet. I wondered out loud if that was because of his family, and he said that, yes, it was. His family doesn’t know. He hasn’t come out yet.

I was standing there on Church Street thinking about Aaron’s discretion, and I thought that probably most of us have something or other that we haven’t come out about to our families. Which doesn’t suggest that Aaron’s situation (being gay in a family that disapproves of his orientation) isn’t uniquely difficult, because it is. It does, however, raise the question: Am I making it difficult for any of my loved ones to be honest about who they are?

love

Moms and Dads give lots to their children. There are exceptions who don't. But most of them do and it's probably generally agreed upon that that's the way it should be.

Then every now and again there comes an opportunity for a son or a daughter to give a bit too.

And hopefully ultimately the flow of love between parent and offspring becomes as vigorously mutual as possible.

Click: part of the flow.

remembrance

I am grateful for the country I reside in. And grateful for the folks who, taking initiative and making sacrifices and believing in the effectiveness of believing, had a hand in crafting the country it is.

Thanks to the soldiers and to the activists, the academics and the farmers, the politicians and the teachers, the journalists and the janitors, the rock stars and the IT guys (and gals). Not everyone does what they do with grace and poise and a heart full of hope. But some of you have. And lots of you do. Thanks to you.

Let's not forget to remember each other.